Transparency

I’m not generally one to make “New Year’s Resolutions” and more often than not the resolutions I did make would never last more than a couple months, much less a year.  This year was different though.  For the first time ever I made a resolution that is still going strong.  It’s a “work-in-progress” type of resolution, but I’m so excited about the progress that has been made.

Over the past seven years I have been on a weight-loss journey with lots of ups and downs.  When I graduated college in the summer of 2008 I was at my heaviest weight… 360 lbs.  I was (and have continued to be) blessed with amazing family and friends who loved me and encouraged me, however I did not love myself.  I was miserable.  I hated what I saw in the mirror and in pictures and anytime someone would say something about me being pretty or beautiful I would think “oh they’re just saying that because they’re my friend, they don’t really mean it” or other things of that nature.  I truly believed no one could ever find me attractive or love me as anything more than a friend.

Fast forward to the fall of 2014 – I was fluctuating between 250 and 260 lbs. and while that’s more than 100 lbs. lost I still felt like I looked the same as when I graduated.  Even I was surprised every time I saw an old picture of myself because I didn’t feel like I looked that different.  All the while I still had that deep desire to be loved, to know what it felt like to have someone genuinely be attracted to me.  But I still didn’t feel loveable.

Then one day some dear friends of mine introduced me to a rather amusing and unconventional TV show called RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Now many of you may not think this is the kind of show that inspiration can be drawn from, and I wouldn’t have thought so either at first, but there is a line RuPaul says at the end of each show that really stuck with me… “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”  I had heard things like this before, but it had never struck such a chord with me like this did.  It finally dawned on me that I didn’t love myself and I couldn’t expect anyone else to love me if I didn’t truly love myself first and treat myself with care and respect.

It was time for a change.  It was time to start loving myself and taking better care of myself in every respect.  So that’s when I decided on this resolution, which in a nutshell was simply to “love me”.  This consisted of a few different things.  First, I had to change the way I think by acknowledging that I am not the same person I was seven years ago, by coaching myself through the struggles and negative thoughts, by taking notice of things I like about myself and by deciding to do something about the things I didn’t like.

Second, I had noticed that in the past I tended to feel better and more confident when I put more effort into my appearance so I needed to do this on a regular basis, to take more pride in myself and my appearance.  I could do this by cleaning out my closet of clothes that no longer fit, investing a bit more into the clothes I do wear by trying new things and wearing things that are more flattering (once again a mental thing too, recognizing that I really can wear flattering clothes regardless of my size and shape).  I could also take the time to do more with my hair than just putting it up in a ponytail while it’s still wet from the shower and doing more makeup than just eyeliner, not because I “have to” but because it makes me feel better, prettier, and more confident.

Third, I needed to take better care of myself – mainly, my health.  I decided to make better choices with my food and tried to be more active, but I was still struggling in this area.  Despite the struggles, I finally broke 250 lbs. in the spring of 2015 and the changes in the other areas were making a significant difference.  I even attempted a bit of online dating and while it wasn’t really successful, I still learned a valuable lesson.  I am loveable.  I am beautiful.  I don’t have to be that to everyone, but people can and do see me that way.  The more I accept and love myself, the more confident and comfortable I am in my own skin no matter where I am in my weight-loss journey. 

Now I realize all of this happened before I went vegan and that’s what this blog is about after all, but there’s a reason I’m sharing this.  While going vegan was not part of the “plan” it has played into my resolution perfectly.  I feel better now than I ever have.  It’s still a work in progress, both the resolution and my weight-loss specifically, but I weigh less now than I did all through high school (currently sitting at 231 lbs.), I have more energy, I sleep better, I no longer desire foods that were so detrimental to my health… and that’s just the physical aspect of this stage of my journey.  Going vegan has done wonders for me emotionally and mentally.  I am happier, I have less negative thoughts and bad moods, and I’m passionate about this change and have more motivation than ever to keep going with it (for multiple reasons: dietary, ethical and environmental).  I can focus better, think clearer and all in all I just feel so much better about myself.

Sometimes people ask me why I’m doing all of this (not just the vegan thing), if I’m doing it to impress people, to be liked by people, or if I’m doing it for myself, and I can honestly say with complete confidence that I am doing this for me and no one else.  I used to think I had to be skinny to get a guy and be loved and I tried using that as motivation, but it never worked.  Now that I’m not doing it for anyone else, it is working.  Not only do I love myself more and have more confidence in who I am and how I look, but I have never been more content in my singleness in my entire life.  I feel like I am finally living my life and being myself.

This change has been gradual and I still have plenty of room to grow, but I’m amazed at how far I’ve come in the past 8 months.  I’m blessed with family and friends who love and support me, my God who loves me unconditionally, and a new confidence that has made a world of difference in so many aspects of my life.  I can finally say with belief and conviction: I love me!